Gardai


🚓 Michael Reforms An Garda Síochána

“It’s not law enforcement. It’s energy realignment through uniformed breathwork.”

📣 The Announcement

Michael holds a press conference outside Store Street Garda station wearing:

  • A hi-vis vest he painted with spirals
  • A clipboard titled “Policing the Self: Yield Through Obedience”
  • A smug smile and absolutely no mandate

He declares:

“Ireland needs a trauma-informed Gardaí. Less batons, more boundaries.
I propose Community Yield Enforcement.”

📋 The Reforms

Michael unveils a 12-point plan:

  1. Replace pepper spray with aromatherapy mist.
  2. Mandatory journaling for all officers before arrests.
  3. All Garda cars fitted with chakra lights instead of sirens.
  4. Introduce the role of Constable of Conscious Conflict Resolution.
  5. Replace riot gear with “emotionally absorbent robes” in calming earth tones.

He calls for a Garda yoga division named “G-Force (Stillness Through Presence)” and offers to personally lead breathwork drills outside Croke Park.

🧘 Pilot Program (Cancelled)

He begins a “pilot scheme” in Loughlinstown where two Gardaí are sent on a 7-day silent retreat instead of traffic duty.
Three roundabouts collapse into chaos.
A bus driver files a complaint titled: “I Was Breathworked at Without Consent.”

⚠️ The Incident

Michael attempts to “energetically de-escalate a pub fight” by entering, holding up a singing bowl, and chanting,

“Yield to yield.”

He’s gently removed by two off-duty Gardaí who tell him:

“Michael, we are not your inner child’s accountability coaches.”

📬 Final Report (Unrequested)

He submits a 74-page reform plan to the Department of Justice titled:
“Cops & Consciousness: Policing the Vibe in Post-Capitalist Ireland.”
Every page includes a sketch of a Garda badge redesigned as a mandala.


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