Lanzarote
🏝️ Michael G. Tierney: Exiled to Lanzarote (By Choice)
“Ireland just didn’t understand my vision. So I took it abroad—along with several creative write-offs.”
🌋 The Move:
Michael claims he relocated to Lanzarote for “creative solitude, tax efficiency, and volcanic energy alignment.”
He tells everyone he’s “on retreat,” but in reality he’s managing his Irish property empire from a hammock, shouting into Zoom calls with one AirPod and a hangover.
He refers to it as:
“Digital nomadism, but make it landlordcore.”
🏡 His Villa:
Nicknamed “Casa Equity”, it features:
- A saltwater pool shaped like a Celtic knot (funded by a grant intended for solar panels),
- A “rent-free thinking zone” (also known as the living room),
- And a guest annex he illegally Airbnbs to spiritual influencers looking to “find their ROI.”
The neighbours hate him, but his lawyer is also his yoga teacher, so it balances out.
🍽️ His Daily Life:
- 8:00am: Sunrise gratitude espresso on the balcony. Posts a filtered photo captioned “Some people collect houses, I collect moments.”
- 10:00am: Takes a Zoom call with his accountant. Claims a sun hat as a business expense because it “shades him from hostile financial energy.”
- 1:00pm: Hosts a “networking lunch” with other relocated property developers who all speak in buzzwords and wear linen.
- 4:00pm: Power nap in a hammock he refers to as “his strategy cradle.”
- 6:00pm: Writes a Substack newsletter titled “Gentrification as Inner Work.”
- 9:00pm: Drinks organic sangria with a tarot reader who thinks capitalism is a star sign.
📱 Michael’s Lanzarote Instagram Posts:
- 📸 Photo of feet on volcanic rock
“Standing on ancient land, thinking modern thoughts.” - 📸 Selfie with a wind turbine
“Let the winds of profit blow where they may.” - 📸 Holding a papaya, wearing no shirt
“Some say fruit, I say fiscal abundance in edible form.”
🧘 His Side Hustles in Lanzarote:
- Landlord Life Coaching: €500/hr Zoom sessions teaching ex-pats how to “monetise their vibe.”
- Pop-up Retreats: “Finance & Flow: Real Estate Breathwork for Blocked Income Streams.”
- Crypto-Pyramid Scheme: Disguised as a “community seed fund,” involves NFTs of his old rent receipts.
🤦 His Return Trip to Ireland:
Once a year, he flies back on Ryanair (despite claiming to be carbon-neutral) to check on his properties and remind the Irish government that “the diaspora has receipts.”
Last time, he arrived in a kaftan and was detained briefly in Shannon Airport after insisting the Gardaí call him “El Tiernador.”
📱 Group Chat: "Tierney Tenants – General Notices 🇮🇪"
A WhatsApp group intended for basic updates like meter readings and mysterious boiler noises—but now a live feed of Michael’s slow PR collapse.
🎭 What He Meant to Send (to his mates in Lanzarote):
Michael:
“Lads I swear I’m a f***ing genius. Just raised the rent on 3 flats while literally horizontal. These people are so passive it’s poetic.Might double it next quarter, just for the dopamine.
Anyway let’s do dinner—this crypto yogi is cooking fish and says she’s spiritually aligned with anchovies.”
💀 What He Actually Sent:
To 34 of his tenants. In one go.
Michael G. Tierney (Admin):
“Lads I swear I’m a f***ing genius. Just raised the rent on 3 flats while literally horizontal. These people are so passive it’s poetic.Might double it next quarter, just for the dopamine.”
Michael G. Tierney:
“Anyway let’s do dinner—this crypto yogi is cooking fish and says she’s spiritually aligned with anchovies 🐟🧘♀️🔥”
🧨 Instant Fallout:
Katie (Flat 3B):
“Hi Michael, just to confirm—you’re horizontal where, exactly?”
Conor (Studio 89):
“So… is the poetic passivity before or after we can’t afford heating?”
Aisling (Flat 1C):
“I just paid €1,400 for a room with a slanted ceiling and mysterious stains. I’d like a refund and anchovy access.”
Dee (your worst nightmare):
“I’ve screenshot this and emailed Threshold. Also my cousin’s a journalist. Good luck with that dopamine.”
Megan (legend):
[renames group chat]
“🧂Michael’s Passive Income Poetry Circle™”
🧻 Michael’s Panicked Follow-Up:
Michael G. Tierney:
“So sorry team, that was meant for… my mindfulness accountability pod. Total mix-up.Please note that rent increases are legally in line with inflation, market flow, and karmic recalibration.
Also, dinner’s off. Anchovies have become energetically aggressive.”
💬 Gossip that follows:
Aisling:
“Anchovies have become aggressive. I’m putting that on a T-shirt.”
Conor:
“Let’s all go horizontal and stop paying rent. Call it poetic resistance.”
Dee:
“Let’s manifest a housing tribunal.”
📺 RTÉ Investigates: “Property, Power, and the Anchovy Awakening”
Narrated by Bryan Dobson. With visible disappointment.
🎬 [Opening shot: Slow pan over a luxury villa in Lanzarote, wind chimes clinking menacingly.]
Bryan (voiceover):
“Tonight, we examine the curious case of Michael G. Tierney: self-described landlord, lifestyle mentor, and part-time spiritual seafood enthusiast.”
🎬 [Cut to drone footage of Michael meditating next to a salt lamp shaped like the Celtic Tiger.]
🎤 The Scandal Unfolds:
“He owns at least 30 properties in Ireland. Charges up to €2,000 a month for what he calls ‘urban sanctuaries.’ But tenants call them: leaky, overpolished, and in one case—actively haunted.”
🎬 [Footage of mouldy ceiling in “Casa Suburbania” with horror-movie sting.]
“Last week, Tierney mistakenly sent 34 of his tenants a message boasting about raising their rent ‘while horizontal,’ calling them ‘passive’ and ‘poetic.’”
🎬 [Cut to blurred-out WhatsApp screenshot. A dramatic ding for each message.]
👩 Interview with Dee, Tenant and Absolute Icon:
Dee:
“I mean, when someone calls you passive while you’re Googling how to turn a mini fridge into a heater, it hits different.”
🎬 [Cut to Dee holding up a homemade protest sign: “NAMASTE OUT OF MY FLAT”]
🧘 The Anchovy Cult Angle:
Bryan:
“And what of the anchovies?”
🎬 [Clip from Michael’s Instagram livestream. He's shirtless, surrounded by incense, holding a fish.]
Michael:
“The anchovy is a symbol of slippery abundance. If you understand that, you’re halfway to liquidity.”
Bryan (dry):
“We asked six marine biologists. None agreed.”
💰 The Financial Web:
🎬 [Spreadsheet visuals with sinister music. Arrows flying between shell companies and smoothie cafés.]
“Our team traced thousands in donations promised to charities through Tierney’s ‘Breakfast for Betterment.’ We found one €14.87 bank transfer—and a framed cheque bouncing in slow motion.”
🎬 [Cut to furious charity director Geraldine Ní Mhurchú in her office with a battered tote bag: “Feel the disruption.”]
🧑⚖️ The Aftermath:
Bryan:
“Facing pressure from tenants, regulators, and at least one astrologer he still owes money to, Tierney is now under investigation for misrepresentation, misuse of tenant funds, and metaphysical nonsense.”
🎬 [Final shot: Michael in Lanzarote, Puerto del Carmen beach, making a vision board out of expired receipts.]
Michael (off camera):
“You can evict people from a property, but not from your vibe.”
🎤 Final Line from Bryan:
“Tonight, we don’t just ask how much rent is too much—we ask what happens when the landlord becomes the lifestyle brand.”
🎬 [Roll credits. Anchovy emoji fades to black.]
Oh yes. Let’s complete the Tierney Cinematic Universe™.
📞 RTÉ Liveline Special: The Morning After the Scandal
Presented by Joe Duffy. Running late. Already furious.
🎧 Theme music plays. The tone is grim. Joe’s mic squeaks.
Joe:
“Well folks, if you were watching RTÉ Investigates last night—and I know ye were—ye saw a man with more properties than sense, and now, by the sound of it, more enemies than receipts.”“Michael G. Tierney, who calls himself a ‘spiritual landlord’—whatever that means—told his tenants they were ‘poetically passive’ while sipping sangria in Lanzarote. We have callers lined up. Let’s go to Teresa in Lucan.”
📞 Teresa (65, war-ready):
“Joe, I nearly choked on me tea. ‘Slippery abundance’—is that what we’re calling tax evasion now?”
Joe:
“Well—alleged tax—alleged abundance—yes.”
Teresa:
“And the anchovies! Joe! Anchovies! We can’t afford a tin of beans and this fella’s aligning his chakras with oily fish!”
📞 Mark (former tenant, angry and damp):
“Joe, he charged me €1,800 for a converted cupboard and told me the ‘exposed pipework was industrial chic’. There was NO PIPEWORK, Joe. Just a HOLE.”
Joe:
“...A hole.”
Mark:
“A hole with a moth named Graham. We were roommates.”
📞 Anonymous Caller (definitely his mother):
“I think Michael’s just misunderstood.”
Joe:
“He tried to write off a salt lamp as ‘emergency lighting,’ Bridie.”
Bridie:
“He’s got a creative mind, Joe.”
📞 Aisling (Tenant turned local hero):
“We’ve started a WhatsApp support group: ‘Tierney Tenants Against Transcendental Rent.’
We’re launching a protest: yoga in the driveway. Downward Dog until he backs down.”
🎧 Joe signs off with:
“We’ll be keeping an eye on this man and his anchovy empire. Back after the break with a lad who paid €300 for a closet in Drumcondra because it had ‘good aura flow’...”
🎬 Michael’s Rebuttal Documentary Trailer
“Tierney Unfiltered: The Rentless Truth”
Coming soon to YouTube Premium and anywhere people still think vibes matter more than regulations.
🎥 Opening shot: Michael in a linen shirt, walking slowly through a lemon grove, frowning thoughtfully.
Michael (voiceover):
“They called me a villain. They said I exploited the system. But the truth is... I am the system. I just made it sexier.”
🎥 Quick cuts: Drone shots of his Lanzarote villa, a sad ukulele cover of “Money, Money, Money,” slow-mo high-fives with crypto bros.
Michael:
“People say I raised the rent during an economic crisis. But I see it as... supply and surrender.”
“This isn’t just a story of property. This is a story of passion. Purpose. Passive income.”
🎥 Cut to tearful selfie video:
“I didn’t mean to call them poetically passive. I meant... peacefully resilient. And poetic.”
[Whispers.]
“And also maybe passive, but only in a really empowering way.”
🎥 Final title card: “Tierney Unfiltered: The Rentless Truth” —
Narrated by Himself. Executive Produced by Also Himself.
“Not available on public broadcasting.”
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