Michael
Oh, now we’re going full Michael? Buckle up.
🏢 Michael’s Property Portfolio: A Love Letter to Loopholes
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“The Penthouse of Protest” – Dublin 2
A luxury 3-bed overlooking the Liffey, completely unoccupied since 2019 because Michael believes it appreciates “more spiritually” when empty. He tells people it’s a meditation pod. -
“Gráinne’s Ghost Flat” – Galway
Bought at auction, this tiny studio still has a resident banshee. Michael refuses to evict her “on ethical grounds,” and uses the haunting as a tax write-off under “supernatural interference.” -
“Three Gaffs and a Pizza Oven” – Cork
A row of terraced houses converted into an Airbnb maze, with an outdoor pizza oven that somehow violates five zoning laws and still qualifies as an “art installation.” -
“The Yield Fortress” – Athlone
A 10-unit block where all the tenants are on rolling leases so he can "agilely pivot" when the market sneezes. His motto? “Flexibility is profitability.” The fire alarm's been beeping since March. -
“The Wexford Retirement Shack”
A crumbling seaside cottage he's never visited, but tells journalists it's where he’ll “one day write a novel and reconnect with his humble roots.” He listed it on Daft for €2,500/month. -
“Monkstown's Most Unavailable Mansion”
Never lived in, never rented. Just exists so he can hold vaguely threatening brunches there with other finance lads named Cian. One room is entirely floor-to-ceiling velvet.
📖 Excerpt from his Memoir: “Bricks, Bylines, and Badgers: The Untamed Life of Michael G. Tierney”
Chapter 4: The Acid That Sold an Apartment
“It was the mid-2000s. I’d just eaten half a tab and walked into a semi-detached in Swords that smelled like soup and broken dreams. Suddenly, I saw potential. Not just a house—a vibe. I bought it in cash, renamed it ‘Casa Suburbania,’ in memory of grotty Lanzarote, and installed a chandelier made of recycled debit cards. Two years later? Sold it to a crypto guy with a gluten intolerance. Boom.”
Chapter 9: I Don’t Evict, I Elevate
“People misunderstand me. When I reclaim a property from a long-term tenant, it’s not eviction—it’s economic alchemy. I’m freeing the space. I’m transforming scarcity into opportunity. They should thank me, really.”
Chapter 13: The Badger Awakens
“It all came to me in a dream. The fur, the freedom, the fight against pint inflation. When I looked in the mirror and saw the badger, I knew—this wasn’t madness. This was destiny.”
Michael the Mentor™. Because if there’s one thing the youth of today need, it’s life advice from a man who once bought a golf course to “emotionally diversify his assets.”
🎓 Michael G. Tierney’s Masterclass: “Mentoring for Mavericks”
(A course nobody asked for, but somehow still costs €899)
Module 1: “Manifesting Wealth Through Mild Delusion”
“Confidence is everything. I walked into my first auction wearing no shoes and a Hawaiian shirt. People assumed I was either eccentric or unstable—either way, they didn’t outbid me.”
He teaches mentees how to:
- Say “I'm not lucky, I’m luminous” in 7 languages,
- Fake knowledge of local planning law by quoting The Da Vinci Code,
- And conduct power meetings in spas (optional: bring a dove).
Module 2: “Tenants Are Temporary, Capital Gains Are Eternal”
“You’re not in property management—you’re in vibe curation. Your role is to extract maximum aesthetic and spiritual value from buildings while evading regulation creatively.”
Michael advises:
- Avoiding paperwork by declaring your investment properties as “art residencies,”
- Using incense to distract inspectors,
- And naming your buildings things like “Haus of Flow.”
Module 3: “How to Give a TEDx Talk Without Ever Being Invited”
Includes tips like:
- Standing on a milk crate outside Spar with a ring light,
- Filming vertical so it feels more “raw,”
- Quoting yourself mid-sentence: “As I always say, ‘Michael, trust your chaos.’”
🧘 Michael’s Mentor Method™
At his mentorship retreat (“Resi-Dense: Unleashing Your Inner Landlord”), he guides young protégés through exercises like:
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“Eviction Roleplay with Empathy Hats”
(“Tell them it’s not goodbye—it’s an energy cleanse.”) -
“The Vision Board of Vague Promises”
Includes yachts, spirulina shots, and screenshots of your net worth in Excel. -
“Gentrify Your Mind” Guided Meditation
“Breathe in... now imagine replacing a family with a juice bar...”
💬 Testimonials (fake, obviously):
“Michael taught me how to turn a shed into a co-living opportunity.” – Ciara, 23, former ethics student
“I never thought being a landlord could be spiritual. Now I only accept tenants who own crystals.” – Keiran, 28, certified vibe consultant
“He once called me ‘a walking ROI.’ I’ve never felt more seen.” – Anonymous mentee crying into avocado toast
Welcome to Michael’s Mentee Group Chat – officially titled:
💸 “Rent Is a State of Mind” (w/ Michael G. Tierney) 💸
A digital space for ascending souls, emerging property moguls, and confused poets with startup ideas.
📬 Michael’s Welcome Email
Subject: “Congratulations, You’re Mentorable.”
Dearest Aspirant,
You’ve been hand-selected (by an algorithm I briefly glanced at) to join my exclusive mentorship circle.
This is not just about money. It’s about energy flows, divine tax avoidance, and synergistic brunches.Over the next 7 weeks, you’ll unlock the secrets of:
– Transforming crisis into capital
– Guiltlessly gentrifying your chakras
– Naming your fourth property after a plant you’ve never wateredRemember: “If you believe in it, it’s already a deduction.”
Stay lucrative,
Michael G. Tierney
Property Alchemist | Founder of Woke Capital | Spiritual Landbaron
📱 Group Chat Rules (Posted by Michael, 5:42am on a Tuesday)
- No negativity. Only high-vibration cashflow.
- Questions are welcome, but not while I'm meditating in my sauna.
- You may refer to me as "Michael", “Mentor”, “Property Papa”, or “The Bricks Whisperer”.
- Subletting my advice without credit will result in spiritual foreclosure.
- Mondays are Manifestation Mornings. Wednesdays are Rent-Readiness Rituals. Sundays are for Soft Launching Your Wealth.
🧘 Michael’s Daily “Mindfulness” Tips
Monday:
“As you sip your organic matcha, visualize your passive income streams cleansing your karmic debt.”
Tuesday:
“Walk barefoot across your investment brochure. Ground yourself in equity.”
Wednesday:
“Meditate for five minutes. If your phone buzzes with tenant complaints—breathe deeply and send them a crystal emoji.”
Thursday:
“Affirmation: ‘I deserve rent, even if I provide no added value.’ Repeat until confident.”
Friday:
“Smudge your lease agreements with sage. Never hurts.”
Saturday:
“Visit a location you can’t afford—claim you’re ‘energy shopping’.”
Sunday:
“Journal three things you're grateful for: 1) compound interest, 2) inherited privilege, 3) your third bathroom.”
Next week, Michael will be livestreaming his “Prosperity Breathwork for Wealth Blockages” from a sauna shaped like a tax haven.
Michael the Philanthropist is a whole other persona. He calls it “conscious capital dispersal”, but really it’s just virtue-signalling with a tan and a drone camera.
🕊️ Michael G. Tierney: Giving Back (Without Giving Up Control)
“I don't believe in charity. I believe in curated benevolence.”
🏆 His “Philanthropic” Initiatives:
1. The Tierney Foundation for At-Risk Real Estate
“Some buildings just need a second chance. I don’t restore homes—I rehabilitate them.”
He buys abandoned properties and slaps a mural on the side, then claims it’s a “community art project.” Rents it out for €3k/month to a digital nomad with a ring light addiction.
2. “Homes Not Hugs” Campaign
“I don’t just give emotional support—I give housing… at competitive market rates.”
Launched a social enterprise to “help the housing crisis” by renting out shared pods in his garden shed for €950/mo. Each comes with:
- A Himalayan salt lamp
- A signed copy of his memoir
- No heating
3. Tierney Talks™ at Inner City Schools
Michael once gave a motivational speech at a school where he told 14-year-olds:
“You can be anything. Even a landlord. Especially a landlord.”
He handed out business cards that said “Junior Property Partner (in spirit)” and posed for selfies with a golden hammer.
4. The "Don’t Call It Gentrification" Festival
An annual event he sponsors in formerly working-class neighbourhoods, featuring:
- An artisanal toast truck called Loaf & Order
- Wellness tents offering “capital alignment”
- Poetry readings by people named Aspen and Kai
He claims all proceeds go to "local vibrational upliftment." No one knows what that means.
5. The Michael Grant: A ‘Lift-Up’ Not a Hand-Out™
A one-time grant of €17.36 (tax-deductible) awarded to:
- Someone “with disruptive energy,”
- Who can explain Bitcoin to his uncle,
- And agrees to repost Michael’s TEDx clip every Friday.
📜 His Public Quote on Giving:
“Real generosity is about creating opportunities for others to aspire to your lifestyle without ever threatening your market position.”
Upcoming Projects:
- A boutique homelessness startup that turns vans into “micro-micro living experiences.”
- A matching service that pairs lonely landlords with tenants who can cook paleo.
- A self-published zine called “Ethical Landlording in a Post-Truth World.
🥂 “Breakfast for Betterment” – Hosted by Michael G. Tierney
A fundraiser to raise awareness of how aware he is.
📍 Venue:
Not a shelter. Not a community centre.
The rooftop terrace of his fifth-floor luxury duplex, complete with glass balustrades, a DJ booth, and a “silent gratitude garden” sponsored by a bank.
💸 Ticket Price:
€120 per person.
Homeless attendees? Not present.
Michael explains:
“They’re with us in energy. This is about creating empathy at a luxury price point.”
🍳 Menu Highlights:
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Micro-farmed quail eggs on quinoa clouds
(“Inspired by the resilience of those without access to supermarkets.”) -
Avocado spheres served in reclaimed shot glasses
(“Symbolising how the housing market swallows hope.”) -
Charity chia pudding
(“Proceeds go towards maybe thinking about doing something.”)
🎤 Michael’s Speech (excerpt):
“I grew up not poor, but emotionally aware of poverty. This isn’t about me—it’s about how I feel about them. And I feel... powerful.
Today, we’re not just raising money—we’re raising vibrations. Let’s disrupt suffering through seasonal brunch.”
A single tear runs down his face, but it’s because he bit into a peppered beetroot tart too confidently.
🎁 Gift Bags (sponsored by a hedge fund)
Each attendee receives:
- A candle labelled “Scent of Struggle”
- A flyer for Michael’s mentoring course (50% off for those born in tax havens)
- A voucher for 10% off his Airbnb properties (“Excludes weekends, holidays, and days ending in Y”)
📉 Outcome:
- €14.87 donated to an actual homeless charity (accidentally).
- €7,000 spent on drone footage of the event.
- Michael later quoted saying:
“I think we really made a difference—mainly to the mimosas-to-sincerity ratio.”
Perfect. Let’s start with the furious journalist who covered Michael’s “Breakfast for Betterment” and barely made it through without yeeting her notebook off the rooftop terrace.
📰 Opinion Piece by Roisín Kelly, The Scalded Spoon
“Michael G. Tierney and the Brunch That Gentrified Compassion”
It was a foggy Sunday morning when I climbed five flights of polished marble stairs to attend what was advertised as “a soul-forward, property-adjacent awareness breakfast.”
By the second mimosa, I had already witnessed three hedge fund managers debate whether “homelessness is just a vibe shift” and overheard Michael describe the crisis as a “marketly displaced moment of pause.”
The event claimed to raise funds for homeless services, yet no representative from said services was present, and the only ‘homeless’ individual in sight was a performance artist lying on a designer yoga mat muttering “Help me, I’m housing insecure” on loop.
I attempted to speak to Michael directly but was intercepted by his “Brand Vibration Officer” who handed me a tote bag filled with pebbles and whispered, “Feel the disruption.” she's assisting her daddy as a volunteer but is no longer his PA as he doesn't pay enough for the fake tan budget so she's into timeserving.
Tierney’s speech, delivered barefoot on a shag rug imported from Portugal, opened with the words:
“I don’t just own property—I own perspective.”He went on to compare the Irish housing crisis to a sourdough starter:
“Unstable, wild, full of potential... and best when left in warm conditions to rise.”
At one point, someone tried to donate €50 cash directly to a homeless charity. Michael frowned and said, “Let’s not corrupt the energetic ecosystem with fiat currency.”
By noon, the only tangible outcome was a drone video featuring aerial shots of people doing champagne-fuelled downward dog to a remix of “Fix You.”
Final verdict: No actual aid was provided, but three people booked in to view penthouses after attending, so… successful by landlord standards.
📧 Furious Email from the Real Charity (Subject Line: “What the hell, Michael?”)
From: Geraldine Ní Mhurchú
Director, Housing Now Ireland
To: Michael G. Tierney
Re: “Your event and our complete lack of consent”
Dear Michael,
We were made aware—after the fact—that your event, “Breakfast for Betterment,” publicly referenced our charity without our knowledge, input, or participation.
While we are always grateful for sincere efforts to support the homeless community, your rooftop brunch:
- Did not involve a single representative from our organisation,
- Did not provide us with any of the “promised” funds (as of this writing, the only amount received was €14.87 from an attendee’s coin purse),
- And inaccurately quoted me as saying “Michael is the future of housing justice.”
I have never said this, nor would I, even under duress.
Additionally, referring to rough sleepers as “urban untapped potential” in your press release is not just dehumanising—it’s grotesque.
We respectfully request the following:
- Immediate removal of our name from any promotional materials.
- A public clarification that we did not endorse, attend, or benefit from your event.
- The drone footage to be destroyed, or at minimum, not edited to include a halo around your head.
Should these actions not be taken, we will be consulting with legal counsel and the Irish Spiritually Misused Symbols Commission.
Yours in actual service,
Geraldine Ní Mhurchú
Director, Housing Now Ireland
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